Life can make you feel so unused and undervalued you do not know which way to turn. You can feel chocked inside, pressure building until you can hardly breath.
Your head full, your mind unable to break from the snow like static that stops your thoughts in their tracks.
You cannot pluck anything from the black hole that has taken the spaces, filled them in your brain.
You try to be rational but all that comes out is doom and gloom, you feel pressure from all around, people, your situation and life in general.
You feel trapped in a cocoon that is strangling you, shaking you to the point of breakdown.
Like a mid range car you suddenly after a few bumps in your journey collapse/ conk out and feel, unable to continue on.
Your life seems to be yours, but, it does not seem that way.
Certain people making you feel you have to do specific things in life, if you do not they will make you feel as if you are not trying to better your situation, you are lazy, you are weak, you do not want to better yourself.
You feel no escape from the situation, people paid to help others better their situation in terms of the work a day world pilling so much pressure on you, making you feel forced to take up new learning you feel at present would push you over the edge.
You breakdown over life, your situation, your everything. You are pushed to the brink of it all.
You doubt yourself, you doubt your world, you doubt each thing that makes you you and you feel so blooming useless you want to give it up for good.
Your body gives in, your mind cracks, you melt down in fear, hurt, upset, total and utter hatred of yourself to the point you feel you cannot carry on.
The people there meant to help you by government agency making you feel so pathetic, useless, horrible inside you feel sick each time you have to meet them.
Your nerves in such shreds, your fragile mind tinkering over the edge you emotionally break in two.
You pray for help and in the form of a person it comes.
Your life is not fixed but little details mended.
You half give into the pressure but in the end, at last minute you leave it for you know if you do the new learning you cannot cope, you will brakedown over the strain for good and snap like a twig under foot in a forest.
You know you will be in trouble for this, shouted at, made to feel so small, talked down to and told you do not want to help yourself, made to feel lazy inside to the point you breakdown and cry uncontrollably, bringing you back to square one, mentally on the edge.
But, you realise at the end of the day keeping your sanity, keeping your life is better than being pressured into something by government agency workers, forcing you into a corner by saying it will better you just so they can push pens and make their record look better with the pretense of helping you even if it hurts you.
Decisions are not easy at all, this one will come back to haunt me I am sure.
Only you can see how things mentally affect you, and nothing is worth compromising your health, physically as well as mentally for. Only you know how far you can go before things make you snap. Realising this is a battle in itself and one not easily won.