Inner Pain

Hating yourself is easy. What is hard is loving yourself. Finding something to cling onto in the hours of agonising desperation as you try to keep your head above sinking into the merkiness of despair and loss. 

Your mind unable to function as it should, like a carpet covering your ability to make decisions, think clearly. Thoughts in your head of failure, hatred for yourself, lost in a sea of total anguish surrounded by nothing but emptiness in emotion. 

You go through the motions of familiar actions with blank stares. Inside turmoil as you force back tears, your heart racing, your head inside a mess like papers scattered, unable to put them in order. You try to cope but inside you are close to despair, collapse mentally.

You hate everything about yourself, you feel lost, a useless failure the world is better off without. You pray each day God will extinguish your life in this world before morning comes. 

Everytime you are alone, or leave a room with people your fake visage of happiness cracks and you break down mentally, sobbing so hard silently you are breaking inside. You see no light coming but dark tunnels all around. 

You feel unable to cope fully in the world, a world you wish to leave. You try to express these feelings to those close but they either ignore the signs, shout at you making you feel even worse, not believing you need help, due to your fake happiness in front of them they do not believe mentally you need help. 

All this leaves you feeling even more isolated, hating yourself more. Some days are worse than others. Some you have total meltdowns you hide from those in the same house. 

To show to yourself you are hurting, not making it up. Wanting to see your hurt in a tangible way you hurt yourself so you see a physical sign of the hurt built up inside coming out. It hurts, you think of it as a just punishment for the bad person you must be. You withdraw from things you love doing, withdraw from the few people who still talk to you, not many, not even one hand could hold them. Looking at the hurt you inflicted on yourself in a weird way helps a little as it makes you feel oh yes, I am hurting it is real as you look at them. 

You go through tough times, sometimes, days, weeks, months on end where your heart blocks any emotion except despair, loneliness, guilt, hatred for yourself and loathing. Guilt as you let those you trust down, not guilt for those living with you but anger, hurt they have ignored your cries for help or would not hear you when you screamed at them or told them in voice ripped with terror how much you hate yourself, life, wish God to take you with tears rolling down your cheeks. You rock back and forth holding your body with your hands as you fidget with your hair. 

It took all of you, as well as panic, fear, being petrified too to ask for help only to have brick walls pushed before you. 

You end up hating yourself even more, feeling them not listening is more punishment you deserve and the cycle in your mind seems never ending.

Even little things people say can trigger your self loathing, lonleness even more. You can focus in on even the littlest thing someone says that they do not realise can impact you in a negative way so much it pushes you to the edge once more. 

You cannot function normally and hope that one day when the others in the house are gone, have left you can finally be helped and those who ignored your attempts for help see the damage they helped inflict due to their prejudice, negative views and realise they helped destroy a life they were bound by religious, as well as blood tie duties to protect.


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