Blog · Poetry

Indigo world 

Sensitivity, feeling isolated, all alone as I did not fit in.

My big heart crushing under the absorbing of feelings from others I wished to but could not shake.

My social skills lacked, I did not know how to interact in a world where crowds overwhelmed and fightened me to the very core of who I was.

I flourished around nature, interacted with ease, felt safe and emotionally unrestricted. Just as I did with cats who seemed to understand the true me, not just accept it but embrace it with pure, natural ease of warmth, love and friendship. I could talk to all the animals and them to me in conversations that seemed so normal to me. I understood them, they understood me. With cats I felt a connection like no other, it was like souls so similar interacting like old friends who had lost touch for too long in this all consuming world. They were my try heart family my kindred spirits I cherished above  all. They liked me for me and I for them from the inside out.

School, here I roll my eyes; I needed help with it all but none came forth to provide. I lacked the skills to stand up, raise my hand and say; stop, I am falling even further behind, this teaching style and system is not one designed towards people like me. I could not count until the end of my third year there, could not recite the alphabet until I was 8. I found conventional ways of studying so foreign and alien I would try them but give up with tears in my misty eyes, failure, hurt, scariness creeping into my already wounded heart. I looked at my siblings who seemed to study with ease, get the A’s, B’s and there I was struggling to spell, read, understand anything. I felt useless and even more a failure. As I grew the feelings only increased. Inside I felt not good enough, I felt a burden, thick, dumb, and what helped to compound this? My human mother on earth. When asked about what her children were doing by others in front of me she would rattle off with a beaming smile all my siblings achievements as scholars and say not one word about me. I would feel so hurt, an embarrassment more fragments of my heart would be chipped away and I would feel from my heart more consciousness of how ungifted, how stupid I must be.

I never fitted in in this world, wanting from a small child to go back home, back to the place where I felt I must have made the mistake as man with the funny accent to ask to be born again. I never fitted in anywhere but one day I did in the words of God, the teaching of his ways to better the people we are from the inside out and the world surrounding the hole self of us.  I was born into a life of Roman Catholicism but it was not the church’s hierarchical nature, structure, rules I clung to. I am not a lover of its corrupt system, belittling of women, male power structure, hidden dark secrets, wealth on display like idols in palaces, buildings and clothing but how it brought me spiritually to God, Jesus, the Angels, Saints, Archangel Michael and my mother Mary. 

I am the least judgmental person, the least, narrow visioned soul I know which is in deep contrast to the evil that encompassed my past life on earth. I can talk to a person twice at a maximum and know what they are like. Every time I am right. My gut feelings are 100% on target. I have seen my guardian angels one since I was 4, the other from 8- she was what others believed was an invisible friend but to me I could see her in full, feel her presence. She stayed with me daily in this way until I was 12. The first angel I saw she came to me as I sat on the top step outside the back of my great aunt’s home I ironically came with my family to live in from aged 11 to 28. I see her on and off, once I saw these two angels at once together in a sight that at the time I did not know what it meant, it stunned me. They came in guises of family members passed making it I feel easier for them to break through the barrier to me. To let me let others in my heart knowing they would not break it. So I had brings to confide in. 

My heart is for what I call my heart family, people I love like family and what you may think is cruel is that not all my biological family are in it. I have two angels on earth, human beings that have saved me more than you could guess.

One is like me living in the indigo cycle that surrounds and encompasses who we are. While the other, she is my honorary sister we share bonds of a spirit who I had not meet before his death yet he came to me, told me of things about our mutual friend I could not possibly know. He told her things I was doing no one could know of. I described him to her and I described him as they say to a t. His wish was for me to look after our friend like a counsellor in a way but as a friend. That I was doing anyway as I loved and love her as if she was my biological sister not just my sister through God.  We know in a past time we were together in friendship and destined to meet in this life.

The other contacted me through our shared love of XenaWarrior Princess, gradually our friendship increased, I felt a bond with her instantly, one from not just my soul but my spirit. I felt as if I had known her all my life and beyond. The more we spoke our shared personality traits, visions, thoughts came to the very fore. We were meant to meet but I could not tell her that but she told me. We both know we are indigo from God and special on this earth while others may perceive us as abnormal and different. 

I say, to heck with normal, to heck with the way the system puts us all in the same hole even if we are squares in a round world not able to fit the hole. I study best with the auditory style, music on around me, or with spoken words as in a program explaining things to me and if I refer to points I myself jot down. Any other noise past my own music will disjoint my learning system. Even someone checking up on me can disturb it and I turn cranky to them making that person think negatively towards little old me. 

I am disillusioned with this world, the hurt cycles and evil that have brought World War III to our doors. I am an indigo and I love helping others feel better. In my voluntary tutoring I listen to people, guide them in their troubles or life queries. As an empath I can feel their pain and it envokes me from the inside. I can fee their joys too. I am calm around those older people, patient and love helping them. I impart my knowledge of computers, iPads, android devices, iPhones to them and feel at ease chatting to them as if they are old dear friends known for years. 

I am 33 look 20, act 16 alone but have the wisdom of someone much older. My friend Jeff who is 65 can tell you that. He says I am wise beyond my years and most people’s. I am the best at giving advice, listening without judgement. I like to give everyone a chance and a lot need more than one.  I get on better with children, older people. 

I daily see auras and know by the colour what type of spirit they are. I feel spirits all the time, see glimpses of them, sometimes I see them as clear as I see a human living on earth standing before my eyes. I have heard spirits talk to me, it had gotten to the point the local graveyard used to feel like a no go area for me. I have had demons try to attack me, posses me but one special spirt the first time intervened a story for another day… perhaps, ☺️. As the battle between this white cloaked spirit luminated in a yellow glow told the demon covered in black like the pitch in a monnless, starless night you are not taking her she is needed here, she has to live, we need her here.

I have had dreams and been told things from spirits that end up happening. A lot of times I know what is going to happen in situations as if I had been in this situation, done this before. I have a ton of de ja vu.

I can look at people and if I decide to tune in can tell them something that will happen in their future. Some people I tell them three things that will happen in a year. It is not a vision but a sense that suddenly comes to me. It has never failed me and is always accurate. But I must admit my gift of being told things that will seem to  happen scares me as so far it has been true and not false. Sometimes I try to convince the events that pop in my mind through a voice to say it will happen a different way as the outcome is too scary to contemplate but alas I cannot. 

I can change moods in split seconds, have had thoughts of wishing to die, harmed myself, had addiction not to drink or drugs or gambling. Felt feelings so horrendous it felt like he’ll coming towards me. I have been bullied in every school, college I was in. Treated like an outcast and a weird freak. Even the friends so called ones I have living close do not know the real me. They think they do but when I tried to share some of me with them I was laughed at, told I was a bad liar  in tonesof disgust I knew would come.  I learned to keep me,  the real me to me, Emma, Ori, Jeff and the non humanity world around me. 

My mother hates me talking of spirit (ghosts) to her as it scares her, she goes hysterical like a child having a tantrum. When she sees me talking to myself she calls me weird, not normal gives me looks that rip my heart but it is me talking to God or spirits so now I talk to them when she is around in my head. 

My battery is about to empty so I have to go, but I am an indigo, I am a lightworker,  I am here here to help people feel better. I have a purpose I just wish I knew how to fulfill it in a way that would be a job as I adore teaching people technology basics and helping them feel better by listening, advising with no judgement. But with ten years of college courses mainly in the business studies discipline and another course train the trainer course underway how could I do this? I did self teach myself the treble record and me the once computer novice taught myself the Microsoft office suite from scratch aged 18 in 2001. 

I can play many types of the recorder instrument, by reading music or listening to a tune once or twice, knowing what recorder I could play it on and playing it with ease. It soothes my soul. I love to write poetry, I write from my heart never planned.  I just write what comes to my mind. I love to sing and dance, I never did dance training although I would have adored it as a child. I make up my own routines, done so since I heard the dog in the river remix of B*witched song c’est la vie? I did some salsa classes, adore Zumba dance style as you get to do non partner dancing,  in many it incorporates latin dance style moves, hip hop, jive, rock and roll even Indian dance. I adore Bokwa dance style as it unique to any  other. For years I did roleplay storylines with others online. I loved creating, telling stories. I love the arts of writing, music, singing and dance. I love history and am proud to have Celtic roots. I am very sensitive and get hurt easily emotionally. I am an indigo, I am a lightworker, I am here for a purpose. God just help me and angels too please, to know how to fulfil this purpose to the best of who I am to help the world and those in it in a full time way for my living so I use more time to do it. 

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