Long post but I feel writing how you feel can help you see it more clearly and help you heal more.
This is dedicated in my mind to a certain person and her friend who I am grateful are not in my life anymore.
All after showing their most nasty, evil vile colours.
Well, over a year ago this happened.
They made me feel like I do not matter, I am not worth anything, I am worse than nothing, I do not deserve to be here.
I thank God I have nothing to do with them.
I never told mutual people we know what they did.
Why bother, they would just turn around lie about it, back each other up. Make me feel scared, low, shaky again. No one should have that power over you. I avoid them 100% even though I become more isolated.
If people can say things to you you would not say to your worst enemy, vile, evil, gutter things most lies and then lie (I believe lied and saw post at one time that made me believe it was a big fat lie) to justify most of it, have an excuse to scream vile comments at you for hours while you cry your heart out, punish you worse knowing you are injured it is a reflection on the true them not you.
No matter how you behave to people, God knows the true you.
I thought I was over it, I had put it all away but it still hurts in my mind. Not as what they said is true, it is not but sometimes I doubt that. It gets inside my head making me feel so low. How can people like that act so nice to people, seem so charming but be capable of what they did to you?
I am better than them. No one should purposely make others feel as bad as they did to me no matter what I did/ did not.
I know they will never be one bit sorry for what they did to me. I was not blameless but I did not deserve hours of what felt like mental and emotional abuse at the time mostly from one of them, what the other chipped in snide remarks etc.
As a bunch of people told me today. Life is not about what job you have, how much money you make, the luxury things you buy, a house that are the important things.
They are things, some needed but, what is most important is how you treat others. How they treat you.
You cannot take jobs, money, material things with you when you die, but how you interacted, treated the world around you, the people too you get judged on. What is in your heart, your soul, your mind goes with you.
Sometimes you don’t even know the extent how you treat others affects them.
Like the other day, a friend told me it was my friendship, not giving up on her that helped her through rough times and to deal with them.
Another told me, before me, she felt alone, lonely, sad. Had no friends, how I make her smile, laugh.
I had others tell me I am one of the most caring, thoughtful people they ever meet and I have helped so many just by listening to them, for them to have someone to confide in.
Another told me, I a her her angel on earth.
You know what, I never knew this. That I helped so many in so many ways.
Today my parents finally realised how it has taken its toll on me of late.
You know what, I broke down and told them how I was feeling. It was hard, it was tearful but I am glad I did.
I am bitting the bullet and once and for all got the nasty people out of my life in more ways. I am got them off my friend’s list here.
No going back. I need to heal more, it has been well over a year.
Plus, I do not want them to be able to see my page here. I do not want to see notifications from them or see messages that include them.
This is my life, they are not welcome to be part of it ever. I know I still hurt over what they said, what they did but I am healing slowly.
Even though others do not know about this I know, inside, I am a nicer more genuine person than them. I would never lower myself to scream for hours at someone, say the most vile things to them, make them cry in fear no matter who they are or what they did.
I am me, I am Linda Kat O Connell. I am a work in progress with a kind soul and spirit. I am fit, athletic. I play recorder instruments, I sing, I love the Xena group I am in, I love my nature, cats, history of Englisg Kings, Queen from Tudors back. My favourite singer is Enya.
I love Zumba fitness, dancing. I love above all beibg kind to others and the spirits that include my angels, the saints, God Jesus, holy Mary, archangels, animal guides God has sent to me.
I love my faith in christ. I am a light worker, indigo adult.
I have cats, people in my heart family.
I have an honorary younger sister.
I adore my nieces. I love them as much as I would any child I may ever have (slim to 0 chance of that).
There are many TV shows I adore examples:
Xena Warrior Princess, Robin Of Sherwood old favourites that teach many lessons.
I am me, I hurt easily, I am emotional but I am clever, kind, caring, strategy filled and I e heck of a good writer, something I am going back too. As it helps me destress like my jog, exercise bike sessions and Zumba class do.
I am happiest in Zumba class, on a jog, singing, writing, watching, Poldark, the Poldark Dish (YouTube), Robin of Sherwood or Xena, listening to songs I love, being in nature or by the sea. I love being with my nieces as inside I embrace my inner child. I love St Francis Church in the city my favourite place,it makes my heart want to burst. I also love the church in bandon, especially when it is empty.
I may not be close to perfect, a work in progress but I am most importantly me, a child of christ, a sister to all through christ.
For me the sky went grey, not fully dark. It turned but I caught it before it could consume everything blue.
Inda Isle 